You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
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