I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize