sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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