I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
