Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
