I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Randomize