Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
sex in a hospital.. check
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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