I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
