idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
