history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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