you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
