we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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