if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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