He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
