I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
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