She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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