My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Randomize
