12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
