There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Randomize
