Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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