When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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