Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
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