Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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