she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
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