I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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