Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Two words: blizzard sex
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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