God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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