you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
