Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
did i walk over a car last night?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize
