it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize