There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Randomize
