Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
