Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
The Redheads category on Pornhub is my number 2 site behind facebook on google chrome. I think I have a problem
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
