At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
