I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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