It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
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