I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
