so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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