Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Randomize
