I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
