So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
