Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
