Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
