I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
be right there i have to get my cape
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
