Your face is a jimmy john
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
