If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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