Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
