I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize