I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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