my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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