We tried having a conversation with our noses.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
