The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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