No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
