can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Randomize
