Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
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